home ask ©
"It’s the gloomy things that need our help. If everything in the garden’s sunny, why meddle."

harmonyinkpress:

theodd1sout:

This will help you write good.

*giggles* This is fantastic. (And actually good advice except for the ducks bit.)

officialunitedstates:

juggalo-prince:

officialunitedstates:

new rule.  if you’re going to reblog my post and add a comment you will now be charged accordingly

i do not accept the chrages

Letter charge (22):       $2.20
Word charge (6):          $6.00
Sentences (1):              $3.00
Typos (1):                     $1.50
Tax (7.5%):                   $0.95
Total:                          $13.65

officialunitedstates:

Many of us know Olive Garden’s slogan When You’re Here, You’re Family.  Well, I recently put that to the test.
The tables were wooden and nice to sit at.  The chairs were also comfortable.  The view wasn’t anything special, but there was a pretty cool looking van in the Walmart parking lot that had flames on its sides. 
I was immediately offered wine, and after admitting I was underage, refused wine.  If you’re going to offer me wine, please don’t rescind your offer.  It’s common courtesy.
The napkins were probably the highlight.  They were cloth and worked really well at cleaning the windows.  One waiter told me I didn’t have to do that, but I insisted.  After all, I like a good, clear view of parking lots.  Who doesn’t.
Finally, it was time to order.  I went with the pizza.  The menu said I could pick four toppings, so I chose half portions of eight toppings.  There were only seven to choose from, though, so I made one up.  “…and blorgaspork.”
"Sorry?  What is blorgaspork?"
"That’s your job to know, now isn’t it."
After a reasonable wait, my food arrived.  It was a really good meal, not exactly overpriced, but not exactly underpriced either.  It was just priced.
My waiter soon arrived and asked me if I wanted dessert. 
"Steve," I said, "Have a seat."
He did.
"I have this business idea.  And while I’m here, and we’re family, I was hoping you could give me a loan."
Steve tried to laugh it off.  Like it was some kind of joke.  I was offended and he could tell.  “Steve, this isn’t a joke.”
Steve looked a bit nervous.  I grabbed his hands and pinned them to the table.  “Are we family or not, Steve.”
"Not in the literal sense…" said Steve.  I wasn’t going to let him reason his way out of this one. 
"Look, Steve.  I cleaned your windows.  Family does that for each other.  They clean each others’ windows.  Now, don’t you think I deserve that loan?  We’re family, Steve, we’re family."
Steve handed me 13 bucks.  “Thanks, Steve.”
★★★☆☆

officialunitedstates:

Many of us know Olive Garden’s slogan When You’re Here, You’re Family.  Well, I recently put that to the test.

The tables were wooden and nice to sit at.  The chairs were also comfortable.  The view wasn’t anything special, but there was a pretty cool looking van in the Walmart parking lot that had flames on its sides. 

I was immediately offered wine, and after admitting I was underage, refused wine.  If you’re going to offer me wine, please don’t rescind your offer.  It’s common courtesy.

The napkins were probably the highlight.  They were cloth and worked really well at cleaning the windows.  One waiter told me I didn’t have to do that, but I insisted.  After all, I like a good, clear view of parking lots.  Who doesn’t.

Finally, it was time to order.  I went with the pizza.  The menu said I could pick four toppings, so I chose half portions of eight toppings.  There were only seven to choose from, though, so I made one up.  “…and blorgaspork.”

"Sorry?  What is blorgaspork?"

"That’s your job to know, now isn’t it."

After a reasonable wait, my food arrived.  It was a really good meal, not exactly overpriced, but not exactly underpriced either.  It was just priced.

My waiter soon arrived and asked me if I wanted dessert. 

"Steve," I said, "Have a seat."

He did.

"I have this business idea.  And while I’m here, and we’re family, I was hoping you could give me a loan."

Steve tried to laugh it off.  Like it was some kind of joke.  I was offended and he could tell.  “Steve, this isn’t a joke.”

Steve looked a bit nervous.  I grabbed his hands and pinned them to the table.  “Are we family or not, Steve.”

"Not in the literal sense…" said Steve.  I wasn’t going to let him reason his way out of this one. 

"Look, Steve.  I cleaned your windows.  Family does that for each other.  They clean each others’ windows.  Now, don’t you think I deserve that loan?  We’re family, Steve, we’re family."

Steve handed me 13 bucks.  “Thanks, Steve.”

★★★

officialunitedstates:

tinyvampire:

officialunitedstates:

I like ordering the most expensive thing on the menu but refusing to eat it.  It’s okay, though, because it’s a metaphor.  The metaphor is I’m incredibly wasteful and extremely wealthy.

OMFG HE’S DYING OF CANCER LET HIM DO WHATEVER THE FUCK HE WANTS WITH HIS DAMN CIGARETTES

what are you talking about.  im trying to brag about how ridiculously rich i am

officialunitedstates:

the united states has two borders:

  1. el border
  2. eh border

officialunitedstates:

I just sent the tumblr staff a fanmail asking them to stop with the bad ads.  im sure this will impact their course of action in the future.  #democracy #firstamendment #$

Anonymous asked: What u got against homestucks

officialunitedstates:

Nothing.  I maintain neutrality or positivity on any subject that may generate controversy.  Continue to follow officialunitedstates.

"You can’t spend your life obsessing over fictional characters."

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antisepticbandaid:

I really want more flustered Grantaire like not suave comments but just

"Your hair is like…the freshest extra cheese pizza"

"You’re kind of gorgeous?"

"When I see you I remember that time in third grade I called my teacher mom"

bubblegloopswamp:

megablaziken:

junkculture:

A World Globe Made Out of Thousands of Individually Painted Matchsticks

part of me appreciates the art and part of me wants to set it on fire

you’re the kind of man that just wants to watch the world burn

kittycamp:

I get progressively uglier throughout the day

kittycamp:

I get progressively uglier throughout the day

Nice things to whisper when hugging someone

egberts:

yogurtville:

-you smell different when you’re awake
-please help me (then smile as if nothing happened)
-soon
-you have lovely skin, I can’t wait to wear it
-your hair tastes like strawberries
-tonight….you.
-he knows, don’t go home.
-I always knew you would die in my arms
-every time I poop I think of you
-no one will ever believe you
-yessssssssssssss
-I killed mufasa
-I bet you didn’t feel me lick your ear
-mother told me it would be like this

-hail hydra

taxicar:

choking on a food you love is the ultimate betrayal 

marceddy:

when people are really rude and douchey and everyone still loves them

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